This was not the post I had planned but since I’m going through some major shifts in my life right now that is causing a lot of past wounds to come up, I thought I’d share as it’s authentic and falls in line with the core values of Woke and Toke.
It’s now been almost 2 weeks that I’ve been taking a break from smoking and let me tell you, life has decided to really test my commitment and determination on staying strong. First off, to explain, I have a few reasons why I decided to take a break. 1) I wanted to reset my tolerance and cleanse my system a bit as the highs no longer felt as strong. 2) I really wanted to see if I was using cannabis as a crutch to deal with my problems in life, like a form of escape rather than a healing aid 3) to see how well I’m able to use my tools I’ve learned on my journey to handle stress and how effective they are without cannabis use along with them 4) to prove that it’s not actually addictive. I caved one time during this week, as I was feeling the lows of the Easter holiday as I usually do around any holidays where families gather, and reached for an almost empty resin cartridge I had. The immediate elevation of mood was exactly what I needed, but I also was able to realize that I explored the feelings I was having prior to smoking, to find answers rather than try to run away from it. I was able to explore it, question it, and delve inside, while not having the low heavy vibes alongside the exploration, allowing me to get answers. As life kept coming at me and the days went, I decided to still keep up my goals of doing 2 weeks for my reset even though I realize the aid cannabis gave, more because of my stubborn determination but also to test my own inner strength. And let me tell you, the universe did not disappoint with the challenges it provided.
I’ve experienced some pain, disappointment and heartaches in my life and I can say that none compares to the heartbreak caused by your child. Without going into too much details, I have a teenager that I’ve tried my best to maintain a strong bond with all these years as my relationship with my own mother is very estranged. Despite my efforts, my teenager pointed out all my unconscious behaviors that I adopted from my family growing up without even knowing, therefore repeating the cycle that I so desperately wanted to break, causing her to feel unsupported and criticized and making her want to go live with her dad…..stab stab stab, knife to the heart. Dealing with the changes of a teenager in a united family is hard enough but dealing with one with divorced parents who are not in good communication with each other takes it to a whole other level. In my desperate attempt to right my wrongs, through immediate fixes only made me realize that that would be futile. As I went through each day, feeling the deep hurt of her not wanting to do anything I planned for us so we can see each other and mend our relationship, and her telling me that she likes it over there and is not ready to come home, I realized that as much as I wanted to change how she felt, I couldn’t. I realized I had to look at myself and these unconscious actions I was doing and explore the root of their causes, forcing me to heal my emotional wounds with my mom. I realized that in order to rebuild the relationship with my teenager, I had to heal myself by healing my deepest wounds from my childhood that I had buried down deep inside.
As painful as these few days have been and will continue to be challenging for me going forward, I know that I’ll come out of it stronger and better, and more whole. I know that my desire to have a better relationship with my teenager and my other daughter is stronger than my desire to push these painful emotions back down. I know that the only way to heal these wounds is to let them come up so that they can be released.
I’m sharing this experience for I don’t believe I’m alone or unique in this as far as carrying deep wounding that prevents us from being our best selves, whether it’s the best parent, lover, friend or the best human being in general. Letting those feelings surface is scary af, I mean that’s why we buried them in the first place, denying the space they take up in our hearts and our thoughts, denying their effects on us. But in order to be truly happy and free to be ourselves, and to reach our highest potentials in this life, healing all wounds are a necessary and unavoidable step on this life journey. We are spirits, here for a human experience and as humans we all have a plethora of emotions, some fantastic ones, and some really shitty ones. Although many of us have just gotten used to living with our wounding and convinced that we are ok burying them, if we find the courage to really look inside, we will find the freedom of being our most authentic selves that we all seek.
I truly hope that this post inspires you to find the courage to look within and find what needs some love and healing. Healing ourselves is the first step in healing those around us, and a necessary step if we want the world to heal. I would suggest incorporating cannabis into it though rather than trying to do without like I did. Doing without had me digging in deeeeep and I’m looking forward to enjoying cannabis again in T-2 days, with a whole new appreciation and a refreshing high.
