Freedom…..What is freedom for you? I’m sure if I were to ask everyone that question, I would get a variety of answers from financial freedom, to a freedom from your 9-5 job. A freedom from societal standards, freedom from any hate and injustice, freedom of being able to be who you are and smoke your weed wherever and whenever you want!
Freedom became a core value for me only a few years ago. I never started pursuing it or even seeking it. It didn’t hold the meaning for me that it does now. The first remembrance I have of the elation from this word freedom was when I went to my first Jamaica carnival, April 2016. I had remembered that weed was decriminalized there so I could smoke pretty freely. I remember that I was giddy like a little girl when I felt the freedom of being able to smoke openly somewhere without worries. I was sitting in a car waiting on friends we were picking up to go to a party. They took awhile and it was quite a wait for an impatient person like myself but then I remembered, I can smoke outside without the need to be discreet. It is still somewhat frowned upon I found, by the energy from the looks I received, but as long as I couldn’t get into trouble from the law, I was good. I was smoking on the road during carnival day (the day of the parade itself) in the midst of freedom already felt from partying and dancing in the streets following music trucks, but being able to smoke freely in that was another level of freeness. I’ve always smoked in public places ever since I’ve been smoking, but in places where I know others will be smoking as well. Or otherwise find a somewhat secluded area and smoke discreetly. So it wasn’t being able to smoke in public spaces that I felt a freedom from, but rather being able to do it freely like someone drinking liquor would be able to. I remember the pure joy I felt in my heart from that feeling of freedom. However, even with that experience and feeling, I still wasn’t pursuing any type of freedom, in any conscious way.
The next event that I felt that strong feeling freedom, was when I separated from my ex- husband. This is not to say anything negative about him or our relationship. We were just not aligning anymore and I was unhappy and I think he was too, so when we separated I felt like it as an opportunity for a do-over of my life, the freedom to find myself and my happiness. I no longer had to feel uncomfortable in my living space, the tension from the distance and lack of intimacy was gone, and that feeling was like taking your first breath after not breathing for awhile…..that exhale. When that experience of freedom came, it started my journey and my intentional pursuit of freedom by doing things that are authentic to me, but first I had to learn who I was.
In my pursuit for freedom, I came to understand that true freedom meant the liberation of self. The freedom from systems and standards that were bestowed upon us without our choice. It is the ability to explore and express myself at my core and not by how I was told I should be. Now this is not an easy process, for our minds have to unlearn what we’ve learned up to now. We have to unlearn who we have become and learn who we are and how to be that person truly and unapologetically, despite any fears or judgements. We have to find the strength to stand in our truth regardless of who is by our side. We have to accept and embrace us fully, shining light onto our shadows. We have to love the parts of ourselves that we were taught to hide or be ashamed of because it wasn’t according to the cultures or society we grew up in. If we were made to feel ashamed for liking something “we shouldn’t”, or were told that we shouldn’t cry because it shows weakness, or that an activity was not suitable for our gender, we then learned to suppress our emotions, and the fear of expressing ourselves end up becoming a part of us and we start to conform to what is expected of us rather than being able to explore our desires and be who we are at our core. Without being able to express ourselves, we wouldn’t be able to know ourselves fully, therefore unable to be our authentic self, hindering our ability to experience the true freedom we all desire. To me, the ultimate freedom is where one gets to that point of not only knowing who we are but having the freedom to express ourselves. That’s when other’s judgement no longer has any effect on us. Whether they like us or not, we still send them love. That’s when you’re unapologetically free!
